More than a notebook, more of a life...

Thursday, June 02, 2005 : would you wait for me? =,(

just wait and i promise you everything will be okay.

you are my strength in my everyday life... living without you is killing the half of me. kung pinaghihiwalay man tayo, alam mo namang di ako lalayo diba? at kung sabihin nilang pigilan ko ang nararamdaman ko, alam mo namang hindi ko kaya yun diba? kaya please... hintayin mo lang ako.. sabi mo sa phone, kahit pa gano ka katagal maghintay, mahal mo parin ako.. totoo ba yun? sana. =,( nakokonsensya nga ako.. feeling ko di ka lang sasaya sakin.. papaiyakin lang kita lalo na ngayon hirap akong makipag-usap sayo.,. sorry talaga. sabihin mo lang kung hindi mo na kaya..., maiintidihan kita.. ive put you through soo much and i really cant afford to lose you. sabihin mo lang kung hindi mo na ko mahal... i'll let you go. natatakot na kong mawala ka nang tuluyan pero kung hindi na talaga, wala akong magagawa... masasaktan lang kita.. @ di ko kayang makita kitang nasasaktan. kung alam mo lang... araw2 umiiyak ako.. sana magkita na tayo.. sana matapos na lahat to.. sana. =,(

the hardest part of falling in love is actually hurting each other and letting go of the pain... when you know that pain will always be part of falling in love. thus, losing each other and hurting yourself.

gusto ko malaman mo na i am and will always be thankful na minahal at tinanggap mo kung sino talaga ako. i really miss those talks..yung mga hanggang umaga., si elli..si obed..si caleb..@ lahat ng mahal mo na mahal ko rin. i miss you ditche. i always do.! i've always wished for your happiness and if i can no longer be a part of it, i'd be ready to let you go. *sigh*

sorry ditche. =,(

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Friday, May 20, 2005 : What Hurts,..

What Hurts...

:: letting go of a person u've just learned to love

:: reminiscing the good times u shared together

:: shielding ur heart to love somebody

:: trying to hide what u really feel

:: trying to hide the tears that involuntarilyfall from ur eyes

:: loving a person too much

:: giving up someone u never thought of giving up

:: having the right love at the wrong time

:: taking the risk to fall in love again

:: hiding ur relationship from someone else

:: controlling ur feelings to avoid hurting a friend

:: thinking of her every waking and sleeping moment knowing all the while that she never even thinks a single thought of you...

:: letting go, because everytime you see the person, you only fall deeper

:: holding back only to find out when it's too late, you both felt the same way, but were only scared tolose each other so much that you didn't let thefeelings out

:: falling inlove with someone you didnt mean to fall inlove with

:: finding the perfect girl...with only one prob....she doesnt love you...

:: helping the one you love court your friend

:: seeing the one you love crying for someone else

:: the waiting also hurts like hell

:: having to hear "... I've met someone"

:: agreeing to her wish to 'just be friends'.

:: asking her freedom back bcoz 'she'd be happier with him'

:: asking u to 'forget that everything happened' and be 'normal' friends again.

:: hearing that u're treated as a big bro (ouch!):: sharing her future plans for the him with you.

:: u stopped being friends bcoz her bf asked her to.:: being denied in front of people.

:: telling u lies where she'd been when actually, she was with a 'new friend' or an 'old flame' (whew!):: she told u she'd be leaving u to return to her ex (d one she left 4 u!)

:: breaking someone's heart

:: fighting for that one thing that would make youhappy

:: that is, holding on to a person who can not guarantee you his/her commitment unless he/she fixed himself/herself ...then, you are lefthanging for the moment ...then he/she says, time will tell... but youstill decided to hope in him/her and trust him/her:: PRETENDING you're OK when inside you're dying...:: PRETENDING to be strong.... and RECOGNIZING your weakness:: lying in bed each night, THINKING OF THAT SPECIALPERSON U CAN NVR HAVE...:: being with someone you can't actually love...

:: pretending YOU DONT LOVE A PERSON WHOM UACTUALLY LOVE...
:: being in love...

:: letting go even if you really don't want to...having no right to say you are hurting, because it washer decision

:: seeing the person you love hurt because of you... and not being able to help that person...

:: having the courage to say I LOVE YOU to the person you love and finding out afterwards that things will never be the same again when he/she doesnt treat you with the same closeness as before

:: having to face the fact that someone is capable of completely destroying the wall that you have set for yourself, leaving you weak and vulnerable:: admitting that you love someone despite her/his imperfections

:: finding out that the more you try to hate her, the more you end up loving her, perhaps even more than before...

:: realizing how stupid your mistakes were that led to your break-up.

:: the thought that this girl, used to really love you and you loved her as well but you didn't give enough and she gave up on you:: Sharing the ONE U LOVE WITH SOMEBODY ELSE....."

:: making a promise....and realizing that when the time has come for that promise to be delivered....the commitment is no longer there...

:: the hardest thing about love - believing it exists.After you've been hurt......learn to forgive...learn to trust and love again

..ang ganda lang. pinost ni kimi sa friendster. (:

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okay. so where do i start? hmm.. o xa eto na ang update sakin.
May 15: Pumunta kami sa Enchanted Kingdom to celebrate Danielle's b-day. masaya, sobrang saya.. yung yung araw na dapat malimutan lahat ng problema kaso the night before was major bullshit man.! nagkaron kami ng sort of misunderstanding ni ditche (yes the name!) kasi nag-iisip na si mama ng masama tungkol samin at xempre ayaw naman namin na ganun ang nangyayari diba. buti nalang okay na kinabukasan.. hello naman.. di naman ako lalayo sakanya kahit anong mangyare eh. so ayon nga.. tapos nung gabi., hmmm.. nagtext si kimi.. @... basta. ^_^ nabili ko yung album ng mymp na versions and beyond.. ganda ng kantang "tell me where it hurts"

Tell Me Where It Hurts - MYMP

Why is that sad look in your eyes
Why are you crying?
(Tell me now)2x
Tell me why youre feelin this way
I hate to see you so down, oh baby!
Is it your heart
Oh, thats breakin all in pieces
Makin you cry
And makin you feel blue
Is there anythin that I can do
CHORUS:
Why dont you tell me where it hurts now, baby
And Ill do my best to make it better
Yes, Ill do my best to make those tears all go away
Just tell me where it hurts
Now, tell me
And I love you with a love so tender
Oh and if you let me stay
Ill love all of the hurt away
Where are all those tears coming from
Why are they falling?
somebody, somebody, somebody leave your heart in the cold
You just need somebody to hold on, baby
(Give me a chance)
To put back all the pieces
Take hold of your heart
Make it just like new
Theres so many things that I can do
chorus
(Instrumental)
Is it your heart
Oh, thats breakin all in pieces
Makin you cry
And makin you feel blue
Is there anythin that I can do
CHORUS:
Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me baby
Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me
And Ill do my best to make it better
Yes, Ill do my best to make the tears all go away
Just tell me where it hurts
Now, tell me
And I love you with a love so tender
Oh, and if you let me stay
Ill love all of the hurt away

May 16: Nag-usap kami ni ditche.. buti nalang okay na. so happy na talaga ako. ^_^ gumawa ako ng scrap book for her! haha. para malaman niya na kahit magkalayo man kami, lagi naman siyang nasa isip ko @ kahit kelan di na mawawala yung feelings ko! haha. ^_^

May 17: Happy b-day Danielle! hmm.. enrollment.! iii-3 na ko sa pasukan. okay naman ako sa classmates ko.., sila den, monmon, april, bim... @ marami pang iba. happy ako na sila classmates ko.! ^_^ na-usap kami ni ditche.. kaya masaya lalo ang buhay. ^_^

May 18: hmm.. nothing special happened., ah.. nag-usap kami ni judy sa phone.. nakausap ko rin si den pati si ira. tawa lang.. na-miss namin ang isa't isa. @ kay judy, di rin kasi namin alam kung pano sasabihin kay *toot* na may mahal talaga akong iba.. na hindi siya nasasaktan. nag-usap kami ni ditche..! ^_^

May 19: Happy namin ni Kimi.! HAPPY KIMI! ^_^ Hmm.. nagpunta kami sa sm para magpa-facial si mama.. @ tunay nakakabagot maghintay kaya bumili ako ng bagong novel ni Nicholas Sparks! (yep, my fave author! i'm a sucker for love stories. haha (: ) title: True Believer. nag-usap kami ni ditche. kaya masaya nanman ang buhay. :)

May 20: One of my happiest days ever.! Nagpunta si ditche dito sa bahay., nanood kami ng 50 First Dates,. bonding time sila ni Choy! hahaha. M-A-S-A-Y-A ako kasi finally nakita ko narin siya... na-hug! mahal na mahal ko talaga si ditche.! ....ng soobra.! kaya lang.. yung ate nanman niya... kakaiba mag-isep, pero di ko naman masisisi yung ate niya. pero ayos lang...! basta ba hindi magbabago yung nararamdaman niya para sakin.., xempre mahal na mahal ko talaga siya. ^_^ I HATE YOU DITCHE!

Today: Na-peste ako sa isang fan niya.. hay naku, pwede ba lubayan na siya.. ANG KULIT TALAGA! Epal. epal ka talaga, ka-nickname pa man din kita! BULLSHIT TALAGA. Layuan na kasi, badtrip! *cha* grrrrrrrrrrrrr! = z

O xa,.. yan na muna. tc. ^_^

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Wednesday, May 11, 2005 : Fallen Angel?

..haha. new layout.. but still, it's about an angel.. still, a contradiction. How could an angel fall when she has her wings? It's all about an angel who has fallen in love for a mortal and then decides to stay on earth to be with that mortal every single day. City of Angels ba ito? haha. I just love angels so much that I believe I have met an angel here on earth. ^_^ (maybe, just maybe...)

I love you, I honestly love you...

I am happy and contented and I really thank God for you. Yehes naman! Akalain mong magdrama nanman ako? I hate you and will always hate you. Basta, masaya si Cheska dahil kay Chesca.! @ di na magbabago yun. ^_^ sana kahit anong mangyare, hate mo parin ako. Kung hindi na, edi i-try mo parin..! joke lang. :) ...kung hindi na, wala na kong magagawa dun. basta wag mo kalimutan na hate parin kita kahit di mo na ko hate. Hate you talaga..! Tama ang friends mo, ma-swerte ako. ..dahil nakilala kita! ..@ di lang yun kasi hate mo ko. salamat kasi hate mo rin ako...salamat talaga. akala ko talaga ikaw nalang ang magsasabi niyan., yung lagi mong sinasabi sa letters mo na ^salamat sa pagmamahal mo..^ ..@ sana wag ka na matakot kasi natatakot din ako. (magtakutan daw ba?) joke. :) ...kasi yun iniisip mo ay di mangyayare..! mas natatakot ako kasi college ka na...alam mo na.. iba ka pa man din.! ang daming fans. hayy... basta.. i hate you 03 ko. (@ hindi na magbabago yun.)

O xa.. hanggang dito na muna. Tc. ^_^

unconditional love requires a lot of sacrifice, pain and tears but at the end of the road, you'll open your eyes to where you really belong.

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Monday, May 02, 2005 :

Reality bites. (it sucks, it lies but it lives.)
Belated happy birthday to me. let me count the days before I finally break down. Lol. Its been like what..6 or 7 days since I last updated my blog. Many things had happened and I’m glad that my freakin days of thoughts are over. Sheesh. Anyway, April 30 was my birthday and I’m 15 years old. Wow,.. 15 years of living, wanting, weeping and smiling. ^_^

April 26 Milo-Cheska happy day. Nothing new happened. I accompanied Choy for his swimming lessons in BLSS. I think he did great compared to the previous days. Think, think and think. And with what thinking, I am confused anymore. thanks to uhmm.. (do I really need to thank someone? lol.) that’s major bullshit man. I’m running out.. of.. uhh.. +_+

April 27 Wednesday fever. Yep. That’s right. I was feeling sick and awful that day but hey, prayers work. Thank God. ^_^

April 28 The day when I am supposed to be happy…or is it still? Sad trip na naman. Oh well. FLY HIGH! (angels..) wow, nalabuan ako dun ah. Anyway, naglinis ako ng kwarto ko @ nakakita ng mga bagay na talagang nakakatuwa lang.
letters ko kay –u-know-who- (lol.. whatta name. pero dun siya masaya eh. Haha lang.) letters ko sakanya nung mga happy naming nakalipas na. Mga ka-eklatan sa buhay na dinadaan nalang sa tawa ni cheska uy.
letters sakin ni Megsmegs *28*. ..@ ni Steffi, ni Beige... @ iba pang lettersss.
mga “milo” wrappers na binigay sakin ni trong (sweetie). Yehes naman. Pero., past is past ika nga nila.
mga poems @ ginawa kong kanta na… hahaha lang.

April 29 The day before my birthday and the celebration with my friends. I celebrated it with Danielle (pinsan ko), Karol (pretty in pink), Bim (Boobie), Chesca (03), Rea (feeshy) and Trong (sweetie). Kasama din si Clarissa, yun tiga-SHS na friend ng pinsan ko @ ibang mga lasalista. Ayos naman ang araw, sobrang saya. ^_^ (dapat lang, birthday ko eh.) nakabili na ko ng album ng Hale @ Imago. Yehes naman.

Umaga, nagbantay ako ng office @ wala lang. major bullshit ulit kasi sumakit ang ulo ko

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Monday, April 25, 2005 :

Uncertainty...part 2.
40 Kinds of Sadness - Ryan Cabrera

Two days chasing me around
I go crazy when you're outside of my world
When you're outside of my world
No sounds singing me to sleep
I don't want the room to breathe
Just be with me...
Just be with me!
I feel 40 kinds of sadness when you're gone.
I feel the same thing always happens when you're gone
And i know you're just around the corner
But just around the corner is not enough
It's not enough
My eyes are waiting at the door
Just like every time before
Time flies so slow...
Time flies so slow!
[Chorus]
I feel 40 kinds of sadness when you're gone.
I feel the same thing always happens when you're gone
And i know you're just around the corner
But just around the corner is not enough
It's not enoughIt's not enough, I don't know whyIt's not enough,
I miss you all the timeAnd I know you kinds like it.
[Chorus]
I feel.. yea.. 40 kinds of sadness when you're gone.
I feel 40 kinds of sadness when you're gone.
I feel the same thing always happens when you're gone
i know you're just around the corner
But just around the corner is not enough
It's not enough

Uncertainty...., again. Di ko alam kung bakit, kung paano.. basta kaninang umaga pag gising ko, eto nalang yun na-feel ko. Akala ko okay na, pero hanggang ngayon iniisip ko parin siya., kung tama bang iniwan ko siya, o mali bang pinili ko yung iba. Pero sana hanggang isip nalang nalang yun,.. aminado naman akong ayokong mawala yung feelings ko para sa taong mahal ko., ayokong mawala siya kung sakaling malaman niya tong doubts ko ngayon.., siguro may na-miss lang akong tao.., pero ewan ko, kahit sino namang lumugar sa sitwasyon ko maguguluhan din,. mahal ko siya,.. pero hindi ko alam kung bakit biglang naguluhan nalang ako,.. hay..

Update nalang ako ng mga nangyare sa buhay ko,..
Last week.., April 20: Start ng swimming lessons ni Choy kaya sinasamahan ko siya everyday for 12 sessions.
Pumunta ako kayla CheS.., tapos nagpunta kaming Lourdes Church para maglight ng candles,.. (pinaglight ko nga siya ng candle..,) tapos saktong may kasal,.. haha. ^_^ masaya ako na nakasama ko siya,. ~_~ Nagstay muna kami sa house niya,. tawa lang,. haha. Marami pang nangyare pero sakin nalang yun. ^_-
April 21: Wala namang nangyare masyado., Naging friend ko yung mga tao dun sa Ace Water Spa., laugh trip lang. ^_^
April 22: Happy day ni Ira,.. nagreminisce lang kami tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay. Sa kabaliwan namin nung ii3 pa kami. = > ...yung ibang nangyare,. siguro sakin nalng. LoL. Ahh.., nung gabi,. sumakit yung uLo ko ng..sobra.
April 23: Stay lang sa bahay kasi masakit yung uLo ko.., pero naglinis ako ng bahay kaya lalong sumakit. Yikes. LoL. ~_~
April 24: around 2am nagbrown out,.. @ hindi ako nakatulog. Nagpunta kami sa Circle C, Congressional (Nat'l Bookstore), @ SM., :) nung gabi,.. nakausap ko si CheS.., @ sobrang naiyak kasi masakit ang ulo ko.., @ sa lungkot na.., basta.
Today: Nothing new. Nagpunta ako sa office para maglinis., Nagpunta sila lola @ lolo dito., Pumunta ako sa Ace..ulit. @ nagpplanong kausapin siya @ sabihin lahat ng na-ffeel ko..,
That's it. TC. ~_~

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Monday, April 04, 2005 :

I have decided. I don't know what might happen but I also need to look after my feelings, my happiness and grief. I have chosen to move on with my life, move on with happiness and I'm glad to be with Megs. (I hope you could read this.) Masaya ako kasi nanjan ka at masaya ako na may "28". Marami akong gusto at kailangan sabihin sayo pero everytime na nag-uusap tayo, masaya ako.. sinasabi ko nalang sa sarili ko, "si Megs lang pala yung makakapagpasaya sakin ng ganito.. bakit ko pa pinipilit yung sarili ko sa ibang taong hanggang friends nalang talaga.." I'm sorry but I can't hurt myself any longer and I don't want someone to be hurt. Kahit pa mahal ko siya hindi ko na kayang maghintay kahit alam kong hindi naman dapat. Sino bang nagmamahal na hindi naghihintay at sino bang nagmamahal na hindi umaasa? Alam mo kung sino ka, at alam mo rin kung gano kita kamahal pero ngayon, siguro kailangan ko na rin kalimutan yung nararamdaman ko para sayo. Hindi ko kayang saktan yung taong nagpasaya sakin ng sobra kahit konting time palang kami magkasama.

Ayokong mawala yung 28 ko kasi di ko kaya kapag nangyare yun. Hindi man ako yung perpektong tao para sayo, pangako hinding hindi na ko mawawala sayo. diba.. "megs ko?" andito lang yung "cheska mo."

sino tong nakatingin? anghel bang magliligtas sakin.
you're my angel in my own heaven, life is a miracle.
forever angel..... i hope you'll love me like they do.
...something i thought that i'd never find.. angel of mine.

megs, thank you. :-P

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Thursday, March 31, 2005 : Behind Blue Walls

I'm confused. I don't know what to do, I couldn't even make up my mind. I guess i'd be stuck like this..forever. (oh no, that's bullshit man.)How could I leave someone who has given me a special feeling.. (btw, it's not love..) but at the same time, how could I leave the one I truly love the most? I don't know. I don't want to hurt anyone... but i'm going crazy. :(

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